It really is a time of change for me right now. More than ever before. But it isn't physical changes for once--my parents' divorce, financial changes, moving all the time, going to college and the culture shock of that, coming home again and adjusting to the real world, actually being treated like a responsible person when I started teaching, going back to school and the change in perspective now that I'm not 19 and ready to go party all the time--I don't know who it was, but he said that the only constant in life is change, and it's very true.

I am blessed that I have a time of rest from the physical changes in my life--although I have started dating again and, thank God, the guys I've been out with so far are pretty normal (I'm going through eharmony, and I just close out the ones that are pushy or too weird for me before we get to the dating phase).

But the change is something inside of me, it's something that I've needed for a long time. I'm writing fiction avidly and regularly--every day for this last week, I've worked on a piece of writing, and I haven't done that since before this time last year. That in and of itself indicates that whatever change I'm undergoing is good. When I'm writing, things are right inside of me, if that makes sense. It's a symptom of well-being for me. My outlook is becoming more hopeful, more positive. Life has opportunity in it, and for the first time in too long, I can see those opportunities again--which means I can take advantage of them.

Oh, and I'm remembering my dreams again. Another good sign, even if some of them are a little disturbing (last night's for example, but it's because I went to see The Good Shepherd, and it turned out to be a very dark look at the creation of the CIA; did not like Matt Damon's character at all), but they're vivid and easy for me to remember come morning.

Most of the shift has been internal--I'm ready, somehow, for this kind of change--but I have tools that I'm using too. The most significant one is a Julia Cameron book (author of The Artist's Way--my current books predecessor). It's called Living in This World, and it's her third book on what she calls "creative recovery". And I am. Recovering. My creativity.

Oh, and for all that I ranted and raved last time, I have good news too, even if the directing pastor at my church is continuing to pretend that the singles there don't exist: my mentor and retired pastor from my church, whose wife passed away in November, will be returning to the classroom to teach, and he's doing a comprehensive look at the Bible--historical context, Old Testament, Intertestament, and New Testament--and looking at how ideas and concepts changed with each period and why they changed in each period (he calls it Progressive Revelation--the idea that God continues to reveal himself to us as individuals and societies progressively and as we are ready to understand him). And another pastor in the church who's only part-time but is also sensitive to the singles' dilemma since his daughter (three years my junior) is divorced, is teaching a study on Genesis and Exodus--two of the most fascinating books of the Bible. So at least I have these incredible men helping and guiding me. It definitely takes the sting out of the politics I've seen in the church since I became staff. In fact, since they will be fulfilling the need that the directing pastor didn't feel the need to, it doesn't bother me at all anymore. It's funny, how opportunities show up when you need them most. Synchronicity. God.

As for New Year's...well. I'm going on my third date with this guy from eharmony, and the party is at his brother's house. I'm choosing to see it as going to a party and not as meeting family. I'm not ready for things to move that quickly.

I had a discussion today with a pastor of my church (who also happens to be my boss until January 1st, when she will move onto another project--a home for women in domestic crisis situations) about the upcoming series of the directing pastor: a program based of a book called "Making Love Last a Lifetime". For all of January and February, the sermon series will be on marriage and how to make it last.

Initially, I understand how this sounds good. It's wonderful for the married couples in a church (which, based off the discussion I had, is about 80-90% of the congregation). The church should be involved in helping its congregants live more meaningful lives--financially, maritally, in every aspect of their lives. And, in a Bible study or Sunday School, I think this is necessary and vital.

But there is a reason that only 10-20% of this church's congregation (and most churches) is single, and it has to do with a very subversive mentality within that church: the mentality that, in some way, something is wrong with those who are single.

Most of the time, the church and its members just pretend like the singles in their church don't exist--the invisible population, if you will. I should know--so far, it's been my whole adult life. My mother and I, when I was young, were even asked to leave a church because, while Mom was married, my father didn't attend with us; they told her they didn't want that "image" as a church.

This 8-week program, however, goes much farther than just pretending like we singles don't exist; it actively invites us to not be there. How? When I spoke to the directing pastor about these issues, he told me that he "gives me permission" to go to another church. Like I need his permission to leave? How dare he? He has spent a whopping five months at this church, and I have been a fifteen-year member. I have family and friends here that are more important to me than one of his damned sermons will ever be, and frankly, they are the ONLY reason I've stayed.

Yes, 80-90% of the church is married. Yes, only 10-20% are single, divorced, or widowed. But let's ignore them, and let's ignore the unknown members who are married and in neglectful or abusive marriages. And let's ignore the parents and children of those who fit this mysteriously small 10-20% of the congregation, who feel the pain and suffering of those who have never had a voice in the church and who, now, are being stomped on and "given permission" to go to another congregation where the same problems will persist.

Keep giving the message. We don't want you here. You're wrong. You're inferior. We don't want to deal with your kind.

For 8 weeks, I won't be in communion with God through congregational worship. Why? Because, while I don't go to church for the way it entertains or makes me feel, I shouldn't leave church feeling worse than when I arrived. I am so sick of being told through action and blind eyes that I don't matter, that I have no voice. It isn't right. It isn't fair. The one place where I shouldn't feel this way is in my church home, dammit. And both the pastor I thought I could trust and the new directing pastor have said, with blindingly sweet rhetoric, that I have no right to my voice. Bullshit. My voice is all that I have.

Several things: first, it's Christmastime, so I am going to write in Christmas colors; second, as of 9:15 last night, I have officially finished finals week of my first semester back in school (thank God); and third, the eHarmony thing hasn't been such a frightening or bad thing after all.

As for Finals Week, I found out three pieces of good information (or one, depending on how you look at it--I choose to see three):

For my American Novel class (and my hardest professor), I made an A-.

For my Short Story class, I made an A.

And for my Literary Theory class, I made an A.

...Which means, for my first semester, I am starting out with a 4.0!!!!!!! It is at this moment that I can say, without a doubt, I did make the right decision (despite the cost) to go back to school.

Now for the update I promised some of you guys: eHarmony is going well. I still haven't gone on a date, but that's because of the precautions on eHarmony--honestly, it's just nice to have the potential to go out at some point again! There are two guys--one here in good ol' S.A. and another up near Dallas, and they both seem to be good men. I'm in "open communication" with them--that means (for the non-dating service population) that we send and receive messages from each other through eHarmony (so they don't even have an email address with which to track me down--and for those of you out there reminding me to be careful, the email I used is not my regular account but a free one I set up just for eHarmony).

I'm also in earlier stages with two other guys--one in Harlingen (sorry, I will not move down there, but he's welcome to move up here if things work out!) and another in Houston. Both seem to be real gentlemen--you know, the kind that hold doors open, not only for "their" girl, but for any woman because she's a woman.

Initially, I was worried about pressure or taking things too quickly, but that doesn't really happen. One guy wanted to start "open communication" before going through the stages eHarmony has set up, and it was easy to say no because 1) let's face it, there are plenty of opportunities, and no one's going to make me do something that doesn't feel right, and 2) it's not personal at that point.

Of course, all of this could change within minutes--I haven't gone back onto eHarmony since Tuesday because of finals (see the wonderful news above!)

Now that I'm done babbling and being all goofy and proud and everything, I just want to wish all my blog-friends out there a Merry Christmas. I pray that you get to spend this holiday time with the ones you love most.

Take care,

cp

I have signed up for eHarmony. I did it. I have finally admitted that there are no viable men in my profession or degree plan--they're either married or gay. I don't do the whole bar scene--I'm not a big enough drinker. And the estrogen in an English department is overwhelming--in grade school or in college (at least, it's true where I taught and where I'm currently going to school).

It's kind of cool to talk to all these guys from all over, but it can be a little discouraging, too. I keep getting hits for men who like to travel and who describe themselves as "physically fit"--I like traveling, but I've never really had the opportunity to travel. When my parents divorced, I moved financially from a comfortable middle-to-upper-middle class home to apartment living, and there was nothing comfortable about my mother having to file bankruptcy because of the credit cards my father racked up that were in both of their names. It's only been after my mother retired from her job that she was even able to buy a house (and that was in the last year). As for physically fit, well...I'm not gelatinous or anything, but I could stand to do a few more jumping jacks or an extra crunch here and there. I look nice, but physically fit? Nah--there are a few squishy places (mostly around my thighs and in my middle--too much information?).

Still, there are a few guys that sound promising--and you can't shake a finger at the fact that there are at least 4-10 matches to look at every day, whatever "matches" means--you know, the "29 areas of compatibility" or whatever. And it's nice to know that they're at least looking for someone who will actually fit with them as opposed to a bunny in the sack situation. I guess. I just think it's kinda weird; then again, if this is what it takes to find someone I can spend the rest of my life with, so be it, right?

You can't see it because I avoid the whole emoticon thing, but the screen should be bright red right now because that's what my cheeks are at the thought that I would actually post this message. Here comes the daring part...the pressing of the button...Submit...what a thunderous word...

And not as in "lullaby". I've hit the lull between Thanksgiving and Christmas--that time when everyone (who is me anyway) gets tired and worn out and doesn't want to do much of anything. And I'm near finals, which, of course, I don't want to study for. And I have umpteen million pages (hyperbole--look it up) worth of essays to revise for class portfolios.

Feel the holiday spirit!

It's not that bad, actually. The problem for me is that laziness begets laziness, so a few days of sleeping in late and hanging out with family leaves me not wanting to do the work needed for the end of the semester.

And the job is going a little crazy too. I work part-time at my church and, of course, Christmas is a major season for any Christian church. So my previously low-stress, happy-go-lucky job has just burst into something much messier. And since it's a church, everyone is very pleasant--but in that pleasant kind of way that says, "I need this done now, you understand". Actually, I understand that it's important to you, but if you want the most popular room at the church for your Christmas party that's in two days, you should have reserved it in August because someone else was clever enough to do so. Fortunately, everyone (so far) has been understanding. It must be my bubbly personality. Yeah.

Actually, I do an excellent job on the whole "professional" air, and quite frankly, I kick ass when it comes to email. I state things in a very matter-of-fact way that isn't harsh, and for the sake of having a paper trail, I always make a point to try and get reservations and other requests in writing. Email is a wonderful thing.

The point is, when I get home, I become the Queen of Lazy, not wanting to do much of anything, really. Television: it's fun! doesn't count. My other time-waster is video games. I have a PS2 for one reason: Final Fantasy. But I knew, with FFXII coming out, that there was no way in hell that I could buy it for myself prior to finals. When you start playing, you just can't quit.

Enter my best friend, M.

We made a deal this year. I told her in no uncertain terms that I wanted FFXII for my gift but that she would have to buy it right away (beginning of November, in other words) in case they ran out of it at Christmastime.

It was hard for her, I know. She loves the surprise in presents. But she agreed--yay! So I went and bought the walkthrough (WAY too expensive, by the way. If you're a Final Fantasy fan, look up a walkthrough online--it's free and not $20.00; besides, the store-bought walkthrough is way too wordy--we want to spend our time playing the game people, not reading about playing the game!), and we have agreed to do our present exchange early--the evening that I finish my last final exam. Can we say, "My best friend rocks!"?

Despite my love of lazy, I have come up with a plan to re-energize myself during this time, and I started it just before coming on here and writing (otherwise, I'd just put it off and get nothing done): I have now begun my New Year's resolutions (I never keep them when I start on January 1st anyway, so why not November 29th?). They're pretty typical: eat right, exercise. And I'm smart about it: I'm quantifying them (no "I'm going to eat better"s here). So, for example:

1) For the next two weeks, I will walk one time around the track every day.

2) For the next two weeks, I will keep a journal of my food intake, making a point to add at least 1 extra fruit and 1 extra vegetable and to take out 2 simple carbs from my current eating habits every day. And I plan to eat one small bowl of oatmeal every day (maybe by the end of two weeks the gloppiness of it won't bother me so much...)

3) For the next two weeks, I will not eat anything fried (including my favorites: French fries, tortilla chips, and chicken parmigiana).

4) For the next two weeks, I will get up one hour earlier during the weekdays to spend 30 minutes writing and 30 minutes doing pilates.

5) For the next two weeks, I will do a 10-minute writing session every day (writing on my blog counts but is not the only way I can spend my time). On each Saturday, I will do a 2-hour writing session at Starbucks (I'm already fulfilling this second part, but I don't want to add more until I know I'll write every day. Surely I can find ten minutes every day?)

6) For the next two weeks, I will make a point to go to bed in order to get at least 7 hours of sleep during the week and 8 hours of sleep on the weekend (I don't do well with fewer than 7 hours, and I don't feel rested unless I have 8).

The reason I include "For the next two weeks" at the beginning of each is threefold: first, it gives me a limit and an end in sight, but secondly (and more importantly), one week isn't enough time for me to establish a habit. We'll see about two weeks. Thirdly, it gives me a reasonable time in which to re-evaluate my goal and see what I need to do to change it (the walking, for example: by New Year's, I plan to be doing at least three or four laps a day, but that's thinking too far ahead. Small steps. Lifestyle changes. These are my mantras instead. Maybe they'll stick this time!)

In other words, I'm going to take time to take care of myself. And that's hard to do when life gets busy. At the same time, though, life is more fun when I take care of myself.

So those are my goals. We'll see how they go. Wish me luck!